We’ve all had a relationship with someone who has a hard time talking about their feelings. Heck, that person may even be you! But how do you get better at it?
I once dated this really great guy. We had a lot of fun together and considered each other best friends. Even though we were on the same page about most things, we were NOT on the same page when it came to feelings. Basically, I needed to talk about them and well, he didn’t. And when he tried, it was quite painful to watch.
We were in the middle of an argument – likely it was about me feeling a certain way and him not understanding – and he shouted
‘I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!’
It shook me to my core. Not only was he defining me as an unhappy person, but he felt he was the source of my unhappiness.
We sat silently for a few moments and I reached a profound awareness. It isn’t his job to make me happy – it is mine. It was one of my kairos moments.
I am responsible for my own happiness.
From then on, I was on a personal journey to look within myself for my own happiness. I had no idea how I wanted to feel at that time, I just knew how I didn’t want to feel – anxiety, sadness, depression, and anger caused by things completely unrelated to my boyfriend.
Everything in life happens for a reason.
My relationship with him, even though it didn’t work out was a gift. So was that argument. At the time I blamed it on him being emotionally illiterate, but the reality was – I was seeking outside of myself for happiness. And for THAT reason, it never would have worked. (For the record, I had a lot of work to do with expressing my feelings. I was just too stubborn to see it or admit it. Looking back, I was really good at expressing anger, but not very good with any of the positive feelings).
15+ years later, and many stories in between, I’ve discovered my core desired feelings and feel how I want to feel almost every single day. I live my life with emotional intentionality – deciding how I want to feel and making my decisions based on those feelings.
This has brought me closer to happiness than anything else in my life.
Inner clarity, outer action.